FIREPROOFING MY MARRIAGE

I have not finished the love dare, though I did get pretty far into the book but I did stop blogging about it and eventually put it down. I don't know if it's because I was new into my faith or my surmounting doubt about it working or my frustration with myself. Or whether I was putting too much need in wanting my husband to go through this with me. I think the truth is that I gave up too easily. I quit because I wasn't getting the desired effect that I wanted. I quit because I started this journey from a selfish standpoint. Wanting to just fix my marriage, this had to be it. This had to be the tool. While it is a great tool and I will start my journey over. You have to really use the book and it's wisdom and not just do it halfway. My intentions were not pure, they were selfish. 

Day Four's Introduction:

Love is thoughtful

Love thinks it is not a mindless feeling that rides on waves of emotions and falls asleep mentally. It keeps busy in thought, knowing that loving thoughts precede loving actions.

If you don't learn to be thoughtful, you end up regretting missed opportunities to demonstrate love. Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy to a loving relationship.

Love requires thoughtfulness on both sides. The kind that builds strong bridges through the constructive combination of patience, kindness and selflessness. Love teaches you to meet in the middle, to respect and appreciate how your husband uniquely thinks.

The thoughtful nature of love teaches you to engage your mind before engaging your lips. Love thinks before speaking. It filters it's words through a grid of truth and kindness.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)


Day Four's Dare:

Contact your spouse sometime during the day. Have no other agenda other than asking how he is doing and if there is anything you can do for him. (Mental Note: Remember to say nothing negative.)

This was by far the easiest dare so far for me. I was able to send a text message that was received well. I think he was able to see that I just wanted to see how he was doing but he was also scratching his head wondering what on earth my hidden agenda was. I am noticing that as each day passes and I put in the things I am learning from this book and another book I am reading: ("THE SEVEN LAWS OF LOVE" By Dave Willis) Purchase Book Here on Amazon

I am learning so much about myself through this process and I am watching little by little as my husband comes back around. I see bits and glimmers of hope each day that passes. It makes me excited to see where we are at the end of this deployment. This process has renewed a passion in myself. It has brought me closer to my faith. It has given me a reason to push forward and be the best version of myself. I can only hope that through my improvements, behavior and changes that I lead by example for other's around me, including my husband.

Last night I was given a giant sign. One that I really needed. I was so wound up and frustrated yesterday. I was questioning myself again, I do this sometimes when things aren't going my way. It is an insecurity of mine I am working on. But I began to ask myself these questions: "Is this really worth all the effort"? "Why can't he see that I have changed so much"? "Why is he being so mean and negative every conversation we have"? "How much more of this can I really take"? "Am I really strong enough to keep this going with how he is treating me"?

And as I began to question myself, I broke down and I started to pray. I was praying so hard, I began to sob. My tears were in full force as I asked God to help me and that I was struggling, that while I know things are on his terms, that I was drowning in my heartache and I needed a sign. That I needed his help more than ever because I was questioning myself, that I didn't know how much more I could take. That I was lifting all my problems up to him because I couldn't handle them alone, that I needed his strength and I needed to feel loved. I cried some more and began to pour out my heart's sorrow's. How much I was hurting and how much healing I needed and I prayed for my husband.

I asked him to soften my husband's heart and that I hoped he'd read the books I sent him and to find his way to God. To help my husband fight this battle inside himself of self loathing, depression and to help him hang on and not give up on himself or our marriage. I also asked that he help my husband and I find our way back to each other and help us rebuild to have a stronger marriage. I closed my prayers with thankfulness to be able to unload all my problems at his mercy and thanked God for helping me fight these battles.

I finished my prayers and no less than 5 minutes later my phone rings. It was my husband. As usual, I felt tense. I felt the anxiousness and unsettling feeling. I was expecting the conversation to make me feel worse then I already felt. I was expecting more negative backlash. And for once, the conversation flowed, it was easier. He talked about downloading those books and how he had thumbed through one of them already. He didn't say thank you but you could tell he was excited about the one I had bought him to help with workout motivation. He talked about how he thinks this will help him and he needed it. He began to express how much he missed working out and how it helped him physically and mentally.

It was a step in the right direction, it was hope. As the conversation progressed more we then began to discuss his indiscretions. For once we had an open conversation about the "other women". He was not deceitful, he was not defensive and he was not hiding behind his anger. He began to admit things that I already knew to be true deep down in my heart. He expressed that he never expected things to get as far as they did. But that once they did he didn't know how to stop and he didn't know how to tell these women he was married. While that was not the remorse or apology I was expecting it was a start. And just what I needed to hear at the time.

He then began to express that he wasn't set on a divorce. The way my heart felt a bit of relief as he said those words almost brought me to tears. Inside I wanted to cry, I looked up for a moment towards the ceiling and said in my thoughts "Thank you God, I know that was your doing", and continued into the conversation. He began to open up more and express that he missed his partner and needed his partner. He was telling me he wanted us to feel like equals again, that he married one woman and she slipped away and wanted her back. He didn't come out and say that but that is what I heard from that.

Little does he know how hard I am working on myself. How hard I am working on me for me and for us. I have seen the changes in myself, the strides I have made and how far I have come. Maybe it's easier for me to see because I am here and actively working on myself to be the best version of myself I can be. I can see all my improvements, from my physical transformation to my inner transformation. I see my body slimming down, I also see my thought processes changing. It is challenging every day but I am determined. I need to feel like me again. I am working on bettering myself and working towards loving myself.

Towards the end of our conversation I asked him if he had any last words to say since we wouldn't be talking much after that for quite some time. He said in a soft tone " I love you. I will read these books and work on being positive everyday". I told him I love him and to take it one day at a time and to let me know how his workout progress goes. I got off the phone and I sobbed. I completely broke down and tears fell at a rapid pace and I grabbed my chest and said over and over "Thank you". It was at that moment I knew, I should never doubt if God is listening to my prayers.

He knew that I was struggling so deeply that I needed something, I needed a sign, I needed hope to keep going. And he heard my prayers and he delivered. When I least expected it but when he thought I really needed it. Until you are broken and you feel like losing hope, then you will never know God's power, it is then when he shows you his strength with in you. That is when you can pick yourself up and rebuild yourself, stronger than ever. So here's to another day down and Fireproofing my marriage.

Day Three's Introduction:

Love is not selfish

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. (Romans 12:10)

Selfishness and love are in constant opposition to one another. While love asks us to dent ourselves for the sake of someone else, selfishness compels us to focus on ourselves at their expense. Selfishness is like a disease that suffocates our capacity to love. When we chose self-centeredness, we become higher maintenance, more needy, overly sensitive and demanding. And then when we don't get our way, we judge others harshly while being blind to our own faults.

Do I truly want what's best for my husband?

Do I want him to feel loved by  me?

Does he believe I have his best interest at heart?

Does he see me as looking out him or myself first?

Don't wait on your husband to earn your love. Be the first to demonstrate real love to him, with your eyes wide open. Show him what it looks like by your unexpected example. And when all is said and done, you will both be more fulfilled.

Do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as important as yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)

Day Three's Dare:

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It is hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with refraining from any negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today".

So I put this dare and book on hold for a few days. I struggled with the lack of communication my husband and I were having and I had to really think about what to buy him. I was at first going to buy him an expensive pair of custom shoes with the colors picked out and his name embroidered into them, then I struggled with some bitterness and anger. I began to ask myself these questions: "Is this too much to spend on him right now with where we are at"? "Does he really deserve this when he's treating me this way"? I began to realize, I wish being selfish, I was being bitter. So I put them in my cart and saved them for when I got to the second round of doing these dares over. Instead today I bought him a kindle book about physical fitness for seal training.

I know he has been struggling with finding the motivation to work out. I figured it would be a good push in the right direction to help him. I also bought him 2 additional kindle books more so he can participate in "The Love Dare" and see if things can change and save our marriage. And also read about additional ways of showing love. I haven't said anything negative or unkind since putting my dares on hold but I found myself increasingly stressed again about this situation. It seems to come and go. I am fine one day and the next I find myself struggling a bit emotionally. Which is hard for me. I have to wake up everyday and push myself not to fall into a depression to not let it take me over. I have to dig down deep to eat right, workout, and keep going daily.

I wish I could say this is an easy process but it's not. Some day's I am in an emotional warfare with myself on not exploding on  him, crying in front of him or making him feel what I do. I know that doing these things will not help the situation we are in but that doesn't make it any easier. I knew that this was going to be a tough journey, I did. But I has no idea I was going to be in the fight for my life and my marriage. I am learning just how mentally strong I am. I having been hearing it across the board from friends, co workers, family and my therapist. I am finally seeing what they are talking about, I am seeing what I am really made of.

I am seeing the changes in myself despite the struggle of this all. Before hand if I was feeling emotionally drained, I would have crawled into bed and slept the day away. I would have given up even before I had a chance to change my way of thinking. I would let my emotions swallow me whole and take me down into deep dark black abyss of depression and self loathing. Today if I am frustrated, or feeling the weight of the world I head to the gym or I run a bubble bath and watch Netflix by candle light or read while I calm myself down and zen out. I am finding more inner strength to handle life's curve balls and stress. But it is still a struggle.

If my husband upset me in the past I would have emotionally lashed out at him, berating him, lecturing him and attempted to make him feel the hurt I was feeling. Now I can bite my tongue and try to be more patient and understanding. Though, even though I am biting my tongue that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't want to jump through the phone and just shake some sense into him. But as time goes on and as I navigate through my dares more I will be able to progress in having more true patience. So here's to another day down and Fireproofing my marriage!

I know it has been a few days since my last post and my last dare. With the way this sub life works. My husband had duty. We had no communication for well over 48 hours. So I put Day 3 on hold. Instead I took Saturday to digest everything from Friday. I prayed a lot, I read a lot and I talked to my Mama and a few close friends. I spent the day in my thoughts and trying to grow myself, learn more. I started to read a book by the Author Dave Willis. This book is titled: "THE SEVEN LAWS OF LOVE". It really ties into everything I have been doing and practicing. But it takes a step further and breaks down our negative behaviors and patterns and how we are damaging our relationships and how to build them back up with even stronger foundations.

Day Two's Introduction:

Day One Introduction:

Receive this as a warning. This forty day journey can not be taken lightly. It is a challenging and often difficult process, but an incredibly fulfilling one. To take this dare requires a resolute mind and a steadfast determination. It is not meant to be sampled or briefly tested, and those who quit early will forfeit the greatest benefits. If you will commit to a day at a time for forty days, the results could change your life and marriage. Consider it a dare from others who have done it before you.


I knew that starting this journey would be a difficult one and one that would test me in every way imaginable, but until I was in the face of day one, I really had no idea.

Day One's Dare:

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our hearts. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose to not say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

I completed Day One and to say it was difficult was an understatement. Between phone calls and texts with my husband while he was in for a short time that day was beyond exhausting. I could feel the anger inside of me. I could feel the bitterness. I could feel this swirl of negative emotions in my body. I so desperately wanted to express these feelings. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to make him feel the hurt and pain I was feeling from his online affair(s). As we spoke on the phone, I could hear him typing in the background. I knew he was talking to a woman. I could feel the anger inside of me brewing wanting to explode. He then abruptly had to end the phone call with an excuse that he needed to go back to the boat.

I knew that this was a lie. I could feel my anger turning to rage and spilling over. Thank goodness, we were not on the phone. I was glad I had some time to myself. I closed my eyes and I prayed. I prayed for the Lord to help me fulfill this challenge, to soften my heart, to give me clarity and to help me because I was struggling. I questioned myself for a bit, whether I would be able to get through the day and not completely come unhinged the next time we spoke. I continued to pray, I cried and I broke down. How was I supposed to do this? How was I ever going to get through the next 40 days? I asked for strength, wisdom and Grace. Because I sure needed it then more than ever.

I concluded my prayers and felt a little better. My anger was lessening and I was a bit calmer. I could do this, but boy was it a test of  my strength. He did not call me back but began to text me 20 minutes later. I was glad I had that 20 minutes to myself to gather myself with God. He began to spew lies and I felt the anger a little but it was at bay for the time being. We began to text about workout routines, his health, and then I began to ask him about more in depth questioning. I asked him what made him feel loved, remembering that video, in which each individual perceives and expresses love differently. And he was very short with me and wanted to end the conversation again. With another excuse of needing to shower. But then 5 minutes later responding with, "I'm not sure, time and attention and goal alignment."

I saw a small glimmer of hope. The question made him uncomfortable, it made him squirm but something pushed him to come back and respond to me. I can only think that God stirred something inside of him and nudged him just a bit to take the time to respond, even if it was still a very short response. I then expressed to him that I too, felt love from those as well as putting in the required time in our marriage and not into other people. I wasn't negative but I do see that I could have worded it differently. I expressed to him further that I was working on myself and that I didn't want to change him or control him but that I wanted him to be comfortable opening up to me and that I hoped by leading by example it would make him more comfortable. To which he responded "Yes we will see, do what we can, I need to shower then sleep."

At that point I wasn't sure whether it was the truth or a lie. But something came over me and I began to respond one last time. Expressing that I know we are both human and will make mistakes along the way, but I promised to be a better wife. A wife that a husband deserves. And that I wanted him to be ok with telling me the difficult and hard things. That he wouldn't be met with contempt or anger. I really just wanted him to be honest with me. And then I expressed that I would be putting my all into this. And left him with this quote: "The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it". And that I would be watering our marriage, that I was here if he needed anything, and that I loved him, I wasn't expecting a response.

However, twenty minutes later he responded with "I love you too, Hopefully I will talk to you tomorrow for a bit and I will consider how I spend my water the best way I can." It was instant, I felt rage, my body started to shake and I fought with every fiber in my being not to go off on him. I was being kind, I was being patient, I wasn't being negative, I was expressing love, that I was putting what I have and then some into our marriage. And I was met with, him considering putting into our marriage. I was beyond angry, I wanted to jump through the phone and shake him. It felt like he was telling me I was an option and he would consider putting the required time and effort into us if he so chose to see fit. My anger was in full force. It was not easy but I chose to respond with nothing. If I responded it would have been all over.

I was not going to fail the first day of this challenging process. I was not a quitter, I was not going to give in. So I held my tongue. And we didn't speak again after that and as the lifestyle of submariners goes he went back out to sea again. I completed Day One. It was a battle from start to finish. I said nothing negative, I did not act out my anger towards him, I did not let my emotions get the better of me. They sure wanted to come out full force and control me but I somehow managed to keep them reigned in. I realized that day I had more strength then I thought. Only by the Grace of God was I able to get through that day.

I can say by far it was one the most challenging things I have had to do in my life. To fight every urge and natural reaction is not something I am accustomed to. I feel accomplished, I feel proud, I feel closer to my faith, because with out it. I am not sure I would have been able to get through it. I spent some time speaking to a few close friends, my mama and therapist about my change in behavior and what I was doing and why. Everyone seemed to have the same general consensus. That I handled it well, that I had strength most people don't, that I handled myself with Grace and that they were sure they wouldn't have been able to do it. It has made me see that I do have some strengths. Willpower, Grace, determination and the desire to better my life. All of which I can thank the Big Guy upstairs for helping me to see this. Here's to Day One down and Fireproofing My Marriage.

This year my world was turned upside down. My husband of many years whom happens to be serving in the military, gave me some startling news. Little did I know how my life was about to dramatically change. I still remember the words clear as day "I have been having an online affair with a woman". My heart sank, my body began to shake and feeling of instant nausea hit me. I was shocked, never, did I imagine that this man would step outside of our marriage. I swallowed and my mind began to race, with questions at the speed of light rifling through my brain. I don't remember every question I asked but I do remember reminding myself to be calm. That I needed to keep my wits about me and not to scream, cry or give him any sort of reaction. I think the first words out of my mouth were "Ok".

I began to sputter off questions as if I was an interrogator and he were my suspect. I wish now that I hadn't asked the questions that I did. However, that ship has sailed. I remember the answers to his questions as they were seared into my brain. Once that phone call was over, I ran to the bathroom and hurled. My body began to shake and my mind just kept running. What was I going to do? Who would I tell, would I tell anyone? What was going to happen to my life? Divorce seemed impending right around the corner. Everything I had built with this man for years. It was like I was a spectator watching from above as my marriage was imploding.

I picked up the phone and called a friend that I worked with and then called my therapist to get an appointment as soon as I could. I didn't get any sleep and landed an appointment at 10am. My friend so kindly picked me up and drove me to my appointment shaking, dry heaving, emotional and all. My therapist saw me and I don't remember the session one bit. I don't even recall feeling better after but what did happen was I found out this co worker would be my support, one of my closest friends and the woman I could share my deepest darkest secrets with and not judge me. That week seemed to crawl by. I remember texting my husband insanely, calling like an emotional wreck. I was trying to understand.

I was trying to hang on to my marriage. In doing this it only pushed him farther away. I drove myself insane with snooping through his e-mails, Facebook, Skype, Instagram and downloading these applications he said he used to talk with this woman. I was having a nervous breakdown and little by little losing the bit of sanity I had left. I remember seeing a searched name in his recent searches on Facebook and asking him if that was her name. To which he replied "yes". That was it, this woman became real. I started to paint this picture in my head of this woman. She must know he's married, she must be a home wrecker. To my surprise he informed me she did not know of his marital status.

Every time that he called, I could hear him texting, the lies poured out of his mouth so easily. He was talking to her and I knew it. But he would have some excuse. He became more distant, more disrespectful and over the next few days began to yell at me. He began to blame me for his actions, and bring up my past mistakes in our marriage. Which I understand have played a role, but it felt like he was being this way to justify his actions and wrong doings. It was like the man I had known who was full of integrity, whose words meant something, whom if he said he was going to do something and set his mind to it he did it, was gone.

I did not recognize this man. I know we have had our fair share of problems along the way but I never thought that my husband would do this. So when he left to go out to sea. I hit that point. I would find this woman and I would confront her. I would find out what was true and what was a lie. I would gain the knowledge I thought I needed at the time. And I did find out the half truths, I found out about their relationship and to the extent. I thought it would make me feel better in some way. I thought if I had the answers, if I could get this woman to back off that I could save my marriage. That I had a fighting chance with her out of the picture. But the truth is hearing all the details, seeing them for myself did nothing for me but drive me farther into my anxiety. Farther into a depression and farther to bitterness, resentment and anger.

The only thing that came from confronting this woman was realizing that she was just like me with some different physical features. Her hearts was just as loving and giving as mine, she cared that I was hurting as I cared that he hurt her. We had so many core values the same, had been in similar past relationships and had similar medical issues. We had many of the same tastes, likes and dislikes and the list goes on. I found it strange that my husband ended up being attracted to a woman whose physical features were different from mine but that she was the spitting image of myself in almost every other area. How did he not see this? If he was trying to get away from me why would you end up in a situation with a woman who in every other way resembles your wife?

I began to question everything, including myself. Why did he do this? Why did he only give me half of the truth? Why did he continue to reach out to her after saying he would delete all of these apps? Why could he not see his actions were deeply hurting me? Why could he not see that he was destroying the life we were building together? I then began to question myself. Was I not a good enough wife? Was I not deserving of love? Was I not attractive enough? Was it all my fault? I became more bitter, more angry. And I sat in this anger and bitterness for a couple of weeks. I used that Anger and started going to the gym. I had no other way of turning my brain off. But physical exhaustion had to do the trick and boy was I right. I then started to focus more on myself and less on him. After all, he was under the water and couldn't contact her so for that time he was out of sight and out of mind. I didn't have to deal with the worry and stress from the situation because it wasn't relevant anymore.

I started to read online about how to save my marriage, self help books on getting your ex back. All of the advice seemed logical but that's how you feel when desperation is your only option. And then something scrolled across my newsfeed on Social Media one night. A small video of how to love your spouse. It was based off the book "The 5 love languages". Which I had read in the past. But could vaguely remember it. This video reminded me that showing love and receiving love are different for many people and that what I perceive as love may not be what my husband perceives as love. So I downloaded the book again on the Kindle and I began to read it. I was reminded why nothing stuck fully. It was a Christian based book and at that point in my life I didn't really know where I stood with my faith.

It was then recommended that I watch the movie "Fireproof" and boy did that change my life and I purchased the book "The Love Dare". It was the turning point for myself, I then watched "War Room". The same makers and both faith based movies. Both hit too close to home. It was like watching my marriage on the big screen unfold in front of my eyes. They both changed my perception of my life, my marriage, how I was living it, how I had no idea what true unconditional love was. And that I couldn't love my husband, expect him to love me if I didn't have unconditional love to give. My love has for a better part of our marriage been based on conditions. How he made me feel, how I needed him to make me feel, how he treated me. If he couldn't do this for me, then I didn't need to do anything for him. It was an immaturity that he and I both shared. I didn't realize it until these movies opened my eyes.

As I was trying to change myself, I wasn't focusing on the right parts. I was just trying to change my physical appearance and not my insides. Not what mattered. My love and my faith. I am proud to say that going through this I have found my faith. I know with each day it will grow stronger. I am focusing on my downfalls in our marriage, I have moved away from focusing on what he is doing. Whether he is choosing to continue his affair(s), whether he loves me the way I want, whether he apologizes or not. I can not control it. I can not focus on what I can not control. I am focusing on showing and giving him unconditional love and patience. Whether I feel he deserves it or not. If I feel empty in certain areas, I am fulfilling them myself and fulfilling them with God and my faith.

It is a daily struggle and battle with myself to practice this but I have a lot of help from Prayer and my daily "Love Dares" to remind me to keep pushing forward. To give my husband Grace even if he doesn't deserve it. As God has given me unconditional love and Grace and I don't deserve it. I am learning that if I want my husband to unconditionally love me than I need to practice this love and model my behavior after Christ. I have to lead by example, so that my husband will follow. I also know that I can't fight this battle alone. I need God because only he can help my husband. Only he can help me. Only he can provide the answers and the way. I am practicing in what the Bible says: "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." (James 1:19)

Remembering each day that passes that I become stronger in my resolve, my faith in God, my faith in myself, acknowledging my failures and mistakes and making them right and leading my heart. So here's to the next 40 days and Fireproofing my Marriage.