This year my world was turned upside down. My husband of many years whom happens to be serving in the military, gave me some startling news. Little did I know how my life was about to dramatically change. I still remember the words clear as day "I have been having an online affair with a woman". My heart sank, my body began to shake and feeling of instant nausea hit me. I was shocked, never, did I imagine that this man would step outside of our marriage. I swallowed and my mind began to race, with questions at the speed of light rifling through my brain. I don't remember every question I asked but I do remember reminding myself to be calm. That I needed to keep my wits about me and not to scream, cry or give him any sort of reaction. I think the first words out of my mouth were "Ok".

I began to sputter off questions as if I was an interrogator and he were my suspect. I wish now that I hadn't asked the questions that I did. However, that ship has sailed. I remember the answers to his questions as they were seared into my brain. Once that phone call was over, I ran to the bathroom and hurled. My body began to shake and my mind just kept running. What was I going to do? Who would I tell, would I tell anyone? What was going to happen to my life? Divorce seemed impending right around the corner. Everything I had built with this man for years. It was like I was a spectator watching from above as my marriage was imploding.

I picked up the phone and called a friend that I worked with and then called my therapist to get an appointment as soon as I could. I didn't get any sleep and landed an appointment at 10am. My friend so kindly picked me up and drove me to my appointment shaking, dry heaving, emotional and all. My therapist saw me and I don't remember the session one bit. I don't even recall feeling better after but what did happen was I found out this co worker would be my support, one of my closest friends and the woman I could share my deepest darkest secrets with and not judge me. That week seemed to crawl by. I remember texting my husband insanely, calling like an emotional wreck. I was trying to understand.

I was trying to hang on to my marriage. In doing this it only pushed him farther away. I drove myself insane with snooping through his e-mails, Facebook, Skype, Instagram and downloading these applications he said he used to talk with this woman. I was having a nervous breakdown and little by little losing the bit of sanity I had left. I remember seeing a searched name in his recent searches on Facebook and asking him if that was her name. To which he replied "yes". That was it, this woman became real. I started to paint this picture in my head of this woman. She must know he's married, she must be a home wrecker. To my surprise he informed me she did not know of his marital status.

Every time that he called, I could hear him texting, the lies poured out of his mouth so easily. He was talking to her and I knew it. But he would have some excuse. He became more distant, more disrespectful and over the next few days began to yell at me. He began to blame me for his actions, and bring up my past mistakes in our marriage. Which I understand have played a role, but it felt like he was being this way to justify his actions and wrong doings. It was like the man I had known who was full of integrity, whose words meant something, whom if he said he was going to do something and set his mind to it he did it, was gone.

I did not recognize this man. I know we have had our fair share of problems along the way but I never thought that my husband would do this. So when he left to go out to sea. I hit that point. I would find this woman and I would confront her. I would find out what was true and what was a lie. I would gain the knowledge I thought I needed at the time. And I did find out the half truths, I found out about their relationship and to the extent. I thought it would make me feel better in some way. I thought if I had the answers, if I could get this woman to back off that I could save my marriage. That I had a fighting chance with her out of the picture. But the truth is hearing all the details, seeing them for myself did nothing for me but drive me farther into my anxiety. Farther into a depression and farther to bitterness, resentment and anger.

The only thing that came from confronting this woman was realizing that she was just like me with some different physical features. Her hearts was just as loving and giving as mine, she cared that I was hurting as I cared that he hurt her. We had so many core values the same, had been in similar past relationships and had similar medical issues. We had many of the same tastes, likes and dislikes and the list goes on. I found it strange that my husband ended up being attracted to a woman whose physical features were different from mine but that she was the spitting image of myself in almost every other area. How did he not see this? If he was trying to get away from me why would you end up in a situation with a woman who in every other way resembles your wife?

I began to question everything, including myself. Why did he do this? Why did he only give me half of the truth? Why did he continue to reach out to her after saying he would delete all of these apps? Why could he not see his actions were deeply hurting me? Why could he not see that he was destroying the life we were building together? I then began to question myself. Was I not a good enough wife? Was I not deserving of love? Was I not attractive enough? Was it all my fault? I became more bitter, more angry. And I sat in this anger and bitterness for a couple of weeks. I used that Anger and started going to the gym. I had no other way of turning my brain off. But physical exhaustion had to do the trick and boy was I right. I then started to focus more on myself and less on him. After all, he was under the water and couldn't contact her so for that time he was out of sight and out of mind. I didn't have to deal with the worry and stress from the situation because it wasn't relevant anymore.

I started to read online about how to save my marriage, self help books on getting your ex back. All of the advice seemed logical but that's how you feel when desperation is your only option. And then something scrolled across my newsfeed on Social Media one night. A small video of how to love your spouse. It was based off the book "The 5 love languages". Which I had read in the past. But could vaguely remember it. This video reminded me that showing love and receiving love are different for many people and that what I perceive as love may not be what my husband perceives as love. So I downloaded the book again on the Kindle and I began to read it. I was reminded why nothing stuck fully. It was a Christian based book and at that point in my life I didn't really know where I stood with my faith.

It was then recommended that I watch the movie "Fireproof" and boy did that change my life and I purchased the book "The Love Dare". It was the turning point for myself, I then watched "War Room". The same makers and both faith based movies. Both hit too close to home. It was like watching my marriage on the big screen unfold in front of my eyes. They both changed my perception of my life, my marriage, how I was living it, how I had no idea what true unconditional love was. And that I couldn't love my husband, expect him to love me if I didn't have unconditional love to give. My love has for a better part of our marriage been based on conditions. How he made me feel, how I needed him to make me feel, how he treated me. If he couldn't do this for me, then I didn't need to do anything for him. It was an immaturity that he and I both shared. I didn't realize it until these movies opened my eyes.

As I was trying to change myself, I wasn't focusing on the right parts. I was just trying to change my physical appearance and not my insides. Not what mattered. My love and my faith. I am proud to say that going through this I have found my faith. I know with each day it will grow stronger. I am focusing on my downfalls in our marriage, I have moved away from focusing on what he is doing. Whether he is choosing to continue his affair(s), whether he loves me the way I want, whether he apologizes or not. I can not control it. I can not focus on what I can not control. I am focusing on showing and giving him unconditional love and patience. Whether I feel he deserves it or not. If I feel empty in certain areas, I am fulfilling them myself and fulfilling them with God and my faith.

It is a daily struggle and battle with myself to practice this but I have a lot of help from Prayer and my daily "Love Dares" to remind me to keep pushing forward. To give my husband Grace even if he doesn't deserve it. As God has given me unconditional love and Grace and I don't deserve it. I am learning that if I want my husband to unconditionally love me than I need to practice this love and model my behavior after Christ. I have to lead by example, so that my husband will follow. I also know that I can't fight this battle alone. I need God because only he can help my husband. Only he can help me. Only he can provide the answers and the way. I am practicing in what the Bible says: "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." (James 1:19)

Remembering each day that passes that I become stronger in my resolve, my faith in God, my faith in myself, acknowledging my failures and mistakes and making them right and leading my heart. So here's to the next 40 days and Fireproofing my Marriage.