Sunday Reflections

1:35 PM

I have not finished the love dare, though I did get pretty far into the book but I did stop blogging about it and eventually put it down. I don't know if it's because I was new into my faith or my surmounting doubt about it working or my frustration with myself. Or whether I was putting too much need in wanting my husband to go through this with me. I think the truth is that I gave up too easily. I quit because I wasn't getting the desired effect that I wanted. I quit because I started this journey from a selfish standpoint. Wanting to just fix my marriage, this had to be it. This had to be the tool. While it is a great tool and I will start my journey over. You have to really use the book and it's wisdom and not just do it halfway. My intentions were not pure, they were selfish. 


Today my intentions are not selfish, my heart is more open and willing to push through this but I have also added some more tools to my arsenal. I decided that I will be praying for my husband for the next 31 days, along with some additional devotional and reading some books to help me change myself more. Here are the list of my books I am reading (you can click on the link- to get the description or purchase if necessary) :
I also plan to add a few more. I have started the last two books in the list and will start the other two as I finish. I am learning a lot about myself. How selfish I was before finding my faith. How ill equipped I was to handle arguments and my relationship with my husband. I was so very selfish and I am finding the only thing I can change is myself. I can't control my husband or what he does. I can only lead by example and pray that he will follow my lead. I think we all want everything in our control and when we don't have that control we are fearful. I was personally fearful of being alone, abandoned and tossed out like junk as everyone in my life has. I began to hold on too tight, squeezing the life out of my marriage and suffocating my husband. 

Now I'm not saying it's all my fault but my part is the only part I can control and take accountability for. I played a big role in the breakdown of my marriage. I am not naive to believe it was all my husband's fault. Now if you asked me this a few months ago, I would have put all the blame on him. I would have screamed till I was blue in the face that it was all his fault and I was doing everything right, but I wasn't. I was doing everything wrong, I was so critical of my husband. It's no wonder he felt unsupported, unloved and there was no intimacy. 



I was so selfish absorbed I was only looking at my feelings, with a jaded heart and letting past mistakes and baggage add to the already unsteady foundation of marriage we had. I only cared about me, my hurt feelings, why he couldn't just do what I wanted him to do. Sounds selfish doesn't it? It's because it was and I was so wound up I couldn't see past it all. As I began to grow in my faith and listening to the sermon's every Sunday, it was as if they were made for me. They were speaking directly to me, my situation my heart. Through the word and messages I was seeing how really self focused I was and it hit me like a truck.

I sobbed during those sermons. I felt awful, for myself, my husband and my marriage. I wasn't playing ball like we were on the same team. I was playing ball as if he was on the opposing team, fighting him every step of the way. When instead I should have been fighting with him against the things that come against us as a couple. So here's to another day down and Fireproofing My Marriage! 


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